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The following post is a draft Chapter for my Self-Help book:

Are you alone? Of course, by alone I don’t mean totally and completely without anyone else in your life. Chances are you have co-workers, people who convincingly pretend to be your friends, neighbors, and probably one or two family members that still speak with you. I mean alone in the sense of not having what folks call “that special someone.” Someone who has a particular relationship with you, which may involve certain privileges and confidences. I mean a girlfriend, boyfriend, or otherfriend. If you are currently without, do you often think about how nice it would be to have someone? Do you see other couples and how happy they are and wish for the same? Do you lie awake at night, touching yourself and crying and wishing you had someone special to comfort you, someone special to make you feel special? Well, if that’s the case you don’t need to be in relationship right now.

Relationships and being in a relationship are great. Not having someone sucks. I know this. I’ve been one of those guys. The single guy in the group populated by couples and people who are spoken for. It sucks.  Everything seems to be so much better with other folks and the weight of the world seems like it would be so much lighter if you just had someone else to shoulder the load. Still, a relationship is not a solution to your problems, it’s a whole new set of problems layered on top of them. When you’re thinking about how great it would be to have someone and how good it would make you feel to have someone to lean on, do you ever think about what you’d be doing for that person and what their needs might be? Don’t start. I don’t want to hear your justifications, excuses, or outright lies (because I can see you … I know you’re a liar … you … lying liar person). You’re not thinking about that other person, and how the hell can you? Chances are you don’t know who that person is, so how can you know what they might need? You’re just thinking of what you need, which, while perfectly natural, makes you a bad person and a poor candidate for a relationship.

I think I once heard someone say once that relationships require sacrifice. It’s possible I was drunk and watching a horror movie that involved a nude woman being sacrificed and somehow remember it as a discussion about relationships. These things happen to me sometimes. I don’t believe that relationships require sacrifice. You shouldn’t sacrifice part of yourself and what you want for someone else, and likewise they shouldn’t sacrifice for you. Relationships should be about compromise and finding ways to meet the needs of all parties. Why should either of you have to give up what you want so the other can have what they want? That doesn’t seem remotely fair or constructive. Especially when there are bound to be ways where you can meet in the middle and everyone can be happy. I also vaguely recall something about in any good negotiated solution all parties should feel like they gave up something. It may have just been a sneeze. This relates in that if you are looking to fulfill your own current needs for companionship or ego-boosting of some description or another you’re not ready for someone else because you’re not ready to compromise and help meet the needs of another while helping yourself.

You need to find ways to help yourself. If you’re stressed and need someone to talk to, call up a friend, go get a drink and the two of you can bullshit together. If you don’t have any friends, pop in a movie that cheers you up, go to the gym and pump some iron, or start a blog on the internet and write up everything there. If you feel lonely, go out and meet new people. Join a local organized sports team of some kind or another, attend open mike nights at nearby bars/coffeehouses, checkout local art scene stuff, get into politics, volunteer at the good cause of your preference, or take a class at the local college. If you need sex, try new masturbation techniques, there’s no shame in the occasional one night stand, and remember that there are places prostitution is legal. Once you’ve got your bases covered and don’t feel like you need one person to help fulfill those needs, you’re going to be in a much better headspace to be able to be with someone when you find someone. This is beside the point that most of the things I’m suggesting here could be good ways to meet a new special someone.

You’re not ready to have a relationship, and people can probably smell that on you. The chances that someone who will actually be good for you will jump at the chance to be with you when you’re needy are pretty slim.  If you’re needy you don’t need a nurturer, you need to not be needy. I need to find another way to work the words need or needy into that sentence. A nurturer will only allow you to continue your current patterns, you won’t grow at all and eventually you’ll either overwhelm the nurturer and they will bail on you, or they are a truly sick individual who will attempt to try and keep you needing them and you don’t need that. The key here is that when you’re needy you need to stop needing, because the neediness is apparent and a turn off to most folks.

If you feel like you need to be with someone, then chances are you’re not yet ready and you need to find ways to grow as a person before you’ll really be ready to be in a nice healthy relationship with lots of love and sex and other good stuff. Most of us have been in the position your in, and it sucks, but it won’t last forever (probably, I’m not entirely sure about that. You might be such a loser that no one will ever love you and you’ll be alone forever. Just something to think about on those cold lonely nights). There are lots of ways to fulfill the needs you have without relying on an individual you happen to be in a relationship with to do it for you.  Plus the other ways to fulfill those needs can be ways to meet someone new and special who will be completely turned on by your lack of neediness. Now, please shut up, because not being in a relationship isn’t that bad and you can certainly manage outside of one.

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3 Comments

  1. I would buy this book!
    I like how you used 3 variations of needy in one sentence, suble yet powerful.
    You are an inciteful dude and I will be following your career with great interest.

  2. Several sentences in the first paragraph are completely redundant, filler; aside from that, it’s shit anyway. The beginning of the second paragraph looks like it was written by a five year old – a handful of short, single-clause statements that betray your complete lack of cogency or any idea of what you are writing about. AS for the rest..well, I got bored and couldn’t be bothered to read it. Good luck trying to get this shit published, the only writing career that beckons for you is signing your name for welfare checks.

  3. This is just what I was needing to hear. Thanks!!!


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