Skip navigation

I would like to announce my intention to run for President of the United States.

Uncle Sean Campaign Seal

I have been watching Jon Stewart’s interviews with the people running in 2008 and I have made the determination that I am the best candidate for President. No one is more qualified than me to run this country into the ground.

In ’08 write in “Uncle Sean” on your ballot.

The official campaign slogans:

“A vote for Uncle Sean is no vote at all.”
“When elected I promise to make sure there is a paper bag in every hand and a bottle of whiskey in every paper bag.”

Uncle Sean on the issues:

Iraq

Uncle Sean strongly believes that Iraq is a country. Uncle Sean believes the only way to handle the situation in Iraq is to create a timetable for troop withdrawal staying the course. We are spreading democracy throughout a world that doesn’t deserve it. America invented freedom and democracy and we are the only nation that has earned the right of practicing it. I also believe we need to lower taxes while increasing the security of Americans at home and abroad. To this end we will be instituting a specialized national mandatory donation policy. A governmental body will examine your income and assess a fair donation to make to the government based on income and certain deductibles. This will pay for our committee to consider the feasibility of commissioning a software to calculate a timetable for the troop withdrawal staying the course.

The Internet

Uncle Sean strongly believes in the internet. We need to protect the individual’s freedom on the internet from being exposed to things that they may be looking for that may or may not be in line with the government’s assessment of what the individual finds acceptable. We will institute blanket policies to protect children from pornographic science and special locks will be placed on the internet tubes to protect your credit card from being removed from the tube while in transit.

Education

Uncle Sean has a very very strong belief in the Education system. It’s there, he knows it, he attended public schools. Uncle Sean supports publicizing private schools at the Government’s expense and instituting a “Thunderdome” graduation policy. We need to invest heavily in our Universities and building our Science departments so that we are not falling behind in our investigations into the mysteries God has sown throughout the world since it’s creation 5000 years ago.

Evolution

Uncle Sean believes strongly that Evolution is a Scientific Theory. Uncle Sean believes that all theories of the way God sculpted mankind should be fully explored with equal credence given to all points of view but with a strong focus on examining the mysteries of our origins from a perspective of considering science as a possible source of thoughtful entertainment. Uncle Sean believes the Evolution is certainly a theory that we should explore in that regard.

Abortion

Uncle Sean believes strongly that abortion is a medical procedure. Uncle Sean, when elected, will institute a Mandatory Abortion policy. Uncle Sean believes that the world is over populated and we need to control the population. All men, at the first sign of pregnancy, will be required to report to their local Abortionarium to receive treatment for their pregnancies. The government will provide these men with baby dolls to nurture following their treatment so that the overwhelming irrational emotions caused by God’s love will have somewhere to go.

Stem Cell Research

Uncle Sean believes strongly that Stem Cells are being researched. Uncle Sean believes that the focus of Government funded Stem Cell research needs to be funneled away from it’s current focus on the murder of unborn children and more towards finding the uniquely human Soul Stem Cell. Finding the Soul Stem Cell will allow us to grow more souls to be used for prayer to ask God to heal our sick and dying.

The Military

Uncle Sean believes strongly that the Military exists. Uncle Sean believes our troops don’t receive enough support. When elected, Uncle Sean will invest our military resources in creating better support for our troops. Uncle Sean is encouraged by recent advances in Atomic Superman and Giant Robots. By incorporating these questionable scientific aberrations into our military forces we will be able to better support our troops in our efforts to pacify the wild and unpredictable world.

Marriage

Uncle Sean believes strongly that people get married in America. Marriage is an institution that needs to be spread throughout our nation. We need to increase marriage in order to protect it. Uncle Sean will write and cut and paste into our Constitution a new Amendment that will protect the institution of marriage. We will not only institute policies providing special privileges for those who take it upon themselves to marry more than one person. We will also mandate marriage for homosexuals. All homosexuals will be required to make a pilgrimage to Liberty University where we will perform mass homosexual marriages.

Remember, vote Uncle Sean on November 32nd.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. You really are fabulously warped. Keep it up…

  2. Thank you … thank you very much …


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: