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Yeah, there was already a movie based on John Constantine in ’05, but really Constantine wasn’t a Hellblazer movie. It was a movie about a guy named John Constantine who does a bit of magic and interacts with the forces of Heaven and Hell, but if you’ve ready any of the comics you know, it was only very loosely related to the comic character. That’s not to say I didn’t like the movie. I quite enjoyed Constantine, the DVD is sitting not 10 feet away from me right now. Still, I’d love to see a proper Hellblazer movie.

Cast:

John Constantine-
Character: John Constantine is a chain smoking bastard. A conman who occasionally manages to do the right things by others. He is a practitioner of magic, but prefers subtlety. It’s rare you’ll see him perform magic, and when you do you probably won’t know he’s doing it. He was born in Liverpool, England in 1953 and his life has been marked by tragedy after tragedy. Being his friend has never been a good thing.

Played by: James Purefoy, imagine his Marc Antony from Rome being just a touch more sly and a little less barbarian and you’re pretty close to a decent John Constantine.

Chas-
Character: Chas is probably the only friend of John’s who hasn’t died in some terrible manner. Chas tends to act primarily as John’s driver.

Played by: Simon Pegg

Zatanna-
Character: Zatanna is a performing magician who also happens to be a very powerful actual magician. She and John have been friends since the 70s.

Played by: I was just watching Firefly this weekend with some friends and I think Melinda Clarke, who played Nandi in the episode “Heart of Gold” would make a pretty good Zatanna.

Francois Baptiste Marchand-
Character: Marchand is a 65 year old French midget who claims to be the child of Adolf Hitler and a French prostitute named Clara. His mother beat him and attempted to leave him for dead on several occasions. She frequently called him an abomination. Eventually she told him who his father was. He strangled her to death. For decades he has been quietly building a global Doomsday Cult.

Played by: A combination of CGI, animatronics and Patrick Stewart.

Plot:

This plot is not based on any particular story, it is my take on the character staying true to as much of the characterization as I can.

John Constantine has spent the better of the fifty plus years of his life as a con man and occasional hero. He’s a thrillseeker who’s made enemies of many unpleasant types, including the devil himself. Constantine is now living in a rundown flat in London. He’s a mess, unwashed, sucking down booze until he passes out. One day on a brief trip out of the flat to replenish his supply of silk cut cigarettes he stumbles across a newspaper with a report of a murder involving an old friend of his. He grabs the newspaper and takes it home. Reading the paper he washes up and calls Chas. Chas picks him up and takes him down to the scene of the crime. John starts investigating the death of his friend and discovers it was tied to a Doomsday Cult. His friend got involved in the cult because of a girl. John finds the girl who’s been hiding from the cult. She tells him the cult is planning to call upon different demons in various locations across the world to destabilize world governments and kill millions of people in order to bring about a new world order molded by them. John and the girl get tracked down by the cult, they beat John nearly to death and take away the girl. After a brief period recovering John calls in a favor from fellow practitioner Zatanna. Together they sneak into the England compound for the cult. They discover the leader of the cult is a 65 year old French Midget named Francois Baptiste Marchand. Marchand claims to be the love child of Hitler and a French prostitute named Clara. John and Zatanna confront him just before he can kill a woman he’s just had sex with. The woman seems disappointed when she’s ordered to leave by Marchand. Marchand attacks John and Zatanna using magic. Zatanna is able to repel him but John just seems to be sitting back and watching. Zatanna yells to John for some help, and that being a bloodied pulpy mess is hardly and excuse. John simply checks his watch and shrugs. He starts interrogating Marchand during the fight. Marchand brags about his plans. Then, the entire place gets dark. A voice calls out to Marchand from the darkness. Lucifer emerges from the shadows and turns Marchand inside out. John and Zatanna escape as the people in the compound begin to go mad and kill each other. John and Zatanna end up back at his flat. He explains that he’d called on Lucifer and explained how there was a cult trying to start an Apocalypse without him. If John could prove it Lucifer would eliminate it. Zatanna leaves him there and John heads out to the store, he’s run out of cigarettes again.

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2 Comments

  1. Hell yes. That is a great story summary. Esp the way John solves the issue by social engineering and the devil. Lovely, innit?

  2. I was hoping you’d like it, you’re a bit more of a hardcore Hellblazer fan than I.


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