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Dear Uncle Sean,

I’ve been with the same one for 18 years, and I still don’t get it. What’s the deal with women?

Mauled and Neutered

Dear MaN,
Women are like a Jack Chick comic book. When you first come across one, it seems harmless. Maybe the cover makes it seem like it might be a little crazy, but still, it seems harmless. So, you pick one up. As you first begin to familiarize yourself with it, it seems rather novel, a bit eccentric perhaps, with parts that seem completely batshit insane, but its novelty and the pretty color on the cover charms you, so you keep it. Then you read it more closely and attempt to wrap your mind around it’s logic and the meaning and consequences of it’s statements. Your mind begins to spin as you get sucked into a dangerous spiral where you begin to second-guess everything and question if perhaps the Mexican-Satan-Worshipping-Homosexual-Pope is plotting to kill you with razor blades in your tootsie rolls. So, you clutch onto your your Jack Chick comic book as it is the only thing the makes sense anymore in a world gone mad.

And then you die.

-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean.

I’m about ready to shoot someone for all the busywork I am put through at school. When do I finally get to do something *I* want to do?

Linguist Acquiring Mediocre Education

Dear LAME,
So, instead of trying to make the world let you do what *you* want, change what you want into what the world will let you do. If the world will only let you do busywork, then learn to want to do busywork. If the world will only let you give handjobs to 800lb Samoans behind the Tiki bar, so you can pay for your ever growing crack habit, then learn to want to stroke the engorged members of engorged islanders while surrounded by the smells of coconut, pineapple, and vomit.
-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean, 

Where do babies come from?

-Enquiring minds who want to know

Dear Emwwtk,
The short answer to your question is a man and a woman fuck*, then, approximately 9 months later, a misshapen biological entity with limited cognitive skills erupts from the vaginal orifice of the woman in a wave of blood, membranes, and shit.
Alternatively, Wikipedia (the repository of all knowledge in the Universe) states in their article on Sexual Intercourse (…ercourse):
“Coitus is the basic reproductive method of humans. During ejaculation, which usually accompanies male orgasm, a series of muscular contractions delivers semen containing male gametes known as sperm cells or spermatozoa from the penis into the vagina. (While this is the norm, if one is wearing a condom, the sperm will almost never reach the egg.) The subsequent route of the sperm from the vault of the vagina is through the cervix and into the uterus, and then into the fallopian tubes. Millions of sperm are present in each ejaculation, to increase the chances of one fertilizing an egg or ovum. If female orgasm occurs during or after male ejaculation, the corresponding temporary reduction in the size of the vagina and the contractions of the uterus that occur can help the sperm to reach the fallopian tubes, though female orgasm is not necessary to achieve pregnancy. When a fertile ovum from the female is present in the fallopian tubes, the male gamete joins with the ovum resulting in fertilization and the formation of a new embryo. When a fertilized ovum reaches the uterus, it becomes implanted in the lining of the uterus, known as endometrium and a pregnancy begins.”
For further information regarding the unpleasantness 9 months later consult their article on Childbirth (
-Uncle Sean

*Note: the portion involving a man and a woman fucking can be replaced with a man ejaculating into a cup, then doctors using needles and petri dishes to fertilize as many of the woman’s eggs as possible, and implanting one or more of those eggs back into her uterus (depending on how batshit insane the parents are). Please also note that none of these situations are presuming that the man and woman know or even like each other, nor is sexuality a factor as neither spermatozoa nor ovum are aware of the concept of faggotry.


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