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Haven’t visited the ol’ mailbag in awhile.

Dear Uncle Sean, 

Lately, my cell phone is developing cracks in its outer casing. The first crack appeared about a month or so ago, and is the merest hairline in the shiny coated plasticy goodness that is, supposedly, my cell phone. Now, however, a second crack has appeared, and it is slowly getting longer and looks like it might hook up and do the nasty with the first crack. These cracks are developing despite the very careful handling that I provide my phone. I almost never slam it down on a table, I don’t carry it around in my pocket where it bangs up against things that brush past, I’ve almost never fallen off my bike when the phone was in my jersey pocket, and I have rarely used my phone to beat annoying people with.

My question is in several parts: Should I really have to put up with such cheaply constructed mass-produced shit? I mean, I’ve only been using this phone for 2.5 years. It ought to last at least ten, shouldn’t it? And, should I decide that the developing phone tectonics requires me to replace my phone, what kind should I get?

Cracked-Up Phone-Holder

Dear CUPH,
First, it should be obvious to even the most simple minded female type woman that your phone is cracking under lack of abuse. Phones, like children, women, pets, and friends require abuse to feel useful. Two and a half years of minimal abuse have obviously destroyed it’s sense of self worth. On your whining about it’s being “cheaply made” Uncle Sean chuckles at your foolish notions of “quality.”


Uncle Sean doesn’t know what kind of phone you have now but he’s pretty keen on his new KRZR. In general, Uncle Sean recommends any phone that allows you to take a photo and immediately share it on Flickr (so, any camera phone with MMS service). Uncle Sean also recommends pawning your old phone off on some foolish child or incontinent elderly individual.
-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean, 

There is a guy who works in the same building as me and I think he’s really cute/hot. We’ve been doing the eye contact thing and smiling from down the hall or in the parking lot when we see each other, but don’t say a word if we are up close. In fact on my end I don’t even make eye contact if he’s within the same 4 feet as me… I’m just too shy.

How can I make this situation move forward without having to go up to him first… how can I make him approach me?


Twitterpatted Without a Thought

Dear TWaT,
A) Christ Bitch, you’re fucking lazy.
2) Uncle Sean recommends getting a serious injury in the midst of the eye contact down the hall. An idiot might try something like pretending to choke on something. Pretending to choke will be transparent. This gentleman is obviously smart enough not to engage you in conversation in normal circumstances so he will be smart enough to see through a ruse as simple as pretending to choke. No, Uncle Sean suspects to rope in this hot piece of man-ass will take real commitment. You’re going to have to cut your finger off in a door jamb, or if you’re truly dedicated you’ll set yourself on fire (though, we have already established that you’re fucking lazy so it is unlikely you will attempt that option).
9) It might be a good idea to wear a skirt for this one. Walk into his office while he’s sitting at his desk. Leap up onto his desk, squat, and take a big crap all over his desk. He can’t help but engage you then.

-Uncle Sean

Are you stumped by a problem? Confounded by an enigma? Do you yearn to be struck with Uncle Sean’s mighty Advice Mallet? Email Uncle Sean at advicemallet @ gmail . com


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