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Dear Uncle Sean,
A friend of mine has loaned me the Preacher series. I’ve received advice concerning wine, receiving oral sex from prostitutes, and reading this series, all at the same time and in a particular manner. While attempting to execute these instructions to the best of my ability given available resources, I got a little confused about which thing was supposed to do what, and a – er, a mishap has occurred, which has – umm, “left my mark” on the borrowed books, in a manner of speaking. I’m sure it will be no problem, though, because that stuff dries out nice and crunchy and my friend probably won’t notice it, or the smell. Besides, I’ve heard a comic book can’t get pregnant the first time.
Question: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? I, umm, really need to know.

Dear Cuntface,
First, Uncle Sean feels your pain … he knows too well of the dangers of mixing comic books with the garden of earthly delights that is self-pleasuring. Second, ewww dude, ewww. Third, roughly 11 meters per second (www.style.org/unladenswallow/).

Are you stumped by a problem? Confounded by an enigma? Do you yearn to be struck with Uncle Sean’s mighty Advice Mallet? Email Uncle Sean at advicemallet @ gmail . com

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