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Dear Uncle Sean,
I have been instructed to receive oral sex from a one-armed Chinese prostitute who only speaks French. However, I cannot locate a one-armed Chinese prostitute who only speaks French. I have been able to locate a one-armed Chinese prostitute, and a one-armed French-speaking prostitute (but she’s bilingual in Farsi) from Borneo. But these do not comply with the specification. What should I do?

Dear Cuntface,
A vexing problem … but there really can’t be any substitutions in the solution. You’ll just have to make do with just the wine and
Preacher. Which will hardly accomplish the needed pain relief, but if that’s all your lazy ass can do, I suppose that’s all you get.
-Uncle Sean

Are you stumped by a problem? Confounded by an enigma? Do you yearn to be struck with Uncle Sean’s mighty Advice Mallet? Email Uncle Sean at advicemallet @ gmail . com

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