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Warren Ellis says:

… here’s the clue train pulling up to the station, and it says I’m not Irish and neither are 99% of you so you can stick St Pat’s Day up your arse.

If you want to celebrate St Pat’s today, eat a raw potato, build a house out of peat and get yourself shot by an Englishman.

And guess what? If you were born in America, you’re not Irish, you’re fucking American. Deal with it.

I was born in America, but my dad was an Irish citizen until I was 13, does that count for something? I have dual citizenship and could potentially get an Irish passport. Do I get at least partial credit?
Not that I’m really that keen on my Irishness, I really only try to use it when I’m feeling ethnically non-special. I live in Alaska, there’s all this Alaska Native cultural stuff up here. It’s everywhere and going to school here I had to hear all about the rich and wonderful culture of the indigenous folks whose land we bought off the Russians. Then, we proceeded to school them in how their way of life is evil and they should become good Christians and never speak their native language again and white people are bad. Now, people get their panties in a wad over that and cry over the Native culture dying. I have to hear about “culture” all the time. So, occasionally I lean on the “I’m Irish” thing so I don’t feel too left out, because for some reason no one buys the “I’m an American and I have a rich cultural heritage as an American” thing. It’s easier to go with Irish than to spend an hour explaining to someone that America has a quite rich hodge podge consumerist culture that absorbs holidays from individual cultures and makes them generic enough that anyone could celebrate them. How many Jews in America have you met that participate in Christmas on some level? I’ve met one or 5 and it’s not because they want to be Christians, it’s because America has taken holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s Day, and St. Patrick’s Day and turned them into commercial holidays. Times to help boost different areas of the economy if only for a day or two.
Of course, when I go with Irish I am also going with the absolutely hideous costumes they seem to be prone to wearing. Seriously, what in the sweet fuck are the Irish smoking. If you’ve ever seen one of those little Irish dance troupes that parents get their kids into, you’ve seen the costumes I’m referring to. The ones with the sequins and the bizarre patterns in really fuck off bright colors? Yeah, that kid isn’t wearing that outfit because their mother lacks any sense of taste that’s a costume an Irish person might actually wear in one of those settings where folks wear costumes to represent their homeland. Where do I get that from? Oh, about 2 or 3 years ago, I’m watching the Rugby World Cup with my Dad, we’re watching Ireland v France. The French sing their National Anthem (which always reminds me of the scene in Casablanca in Rick’s Cafe where the Germans start singing some Nazi Germany rah rah song (it might have been Deutchland Uber Alles, but I don’t remember), then everyone else starts singing the French National Anthem and drowning out the Germans, beautiful fucking scene), then the Irish come out and these two people walk out into the field in I swear the most gaudy and just hideous outfits you have ever seen and sing the Irish National Anthem, which was nice but I couldn’t help but stare at these two people and hope to hell they were blind and had no idea what had been put on them. It was at that point that I thought: “I kind of hope the French win.” The French did win that game (and deserved it, too, they played quite well).
I’ve kind of forgotten where I was going with all of this. So, happy St. Pat’s Day, have a drink, fuck a snake, do whatever it is you’re supposed to do for the holiday. It’s supposed to be a fun, stupid day, have fun and be stupid. Even you, Warren Ellis.


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