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Dear Uncle Sean,
I hate drama. What can I do to avoid it?

Most Awesome Girl Newly Enraged Totally

Dear MAGNET,
Uncle Sean doesn’t know what is wrong with you. Perhaps because you are a woman you are incapable of understanding the sheer beauty of the dramatic arts. Uncle Sean likes period costume dramas with Jane Seymour or Emma Thompson, and despite what the dead guy in Uncle Sean’s trunk says, that does not make him a homosexual. Uncle Sean suspects avoiding drama is pretty easy, don’t go to the movies, don’t watch television (particularly avoid the channel TNT as they claim to “know drama”), and avoid stage plays at all costs. This shouldn’t be very hard as as a woman really all you should be doing is cooking, cleaning, and making babies, right?
-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean,
Today I took a bike ride on the high-tech stationary bike at the Alaska Club. Now my knee hurts.
What should I do?

Dear Cuntface*
Use the low-tech yellow ones. Uncle Sean prefers the low-tech yellow ones. As to the pain, well you probably deserve the pain. I’m not sure it would be right for me to tell you what to do other than to endure the pain and ponder the reason you’re being punished. Also you could distract your mind from the pain by drinking a fine red wine and reading “Preacher” while receiving oral sex from a one-armed Chinese prostitute who only speaks French. Throwing yourself off a bridge is another option.
-Uncle Sean

* It is hearby made known to one and all that those who don’t sign their letters shall from here on be known as “Cuntface.”

Are you stumped by a problem? Confounded by an enigma? Do you yearn to be struck with Uncle Sean’s mighty Advice Mallet? Email Uncle Sean at advicemallet @ gmail . com

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