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Dear Uncle Sean,
A friend, who is concerned about the well-being of my feet when I’m out in the cold, has provided me the URL to a pair of cold-weather boots that are on sale for a good price. But I don’t know what size to get! One strategy would be to go to the massive, anonymous boot store in the 5th Avenue Mall, try on a pair of identical or similar boots, see what fits, and then go home and order the ones on sale. But is it ethical to exploit a massive faceless corporation with a local storefront in order to place an order with a massive faceless corporation with a web site?

Sincerely,
Bootless in Anchorage

Dear Bootless,
Corporations are people too. It’s wrong to exploit them, just like it’s wrong to sell babies to Mexicans for Tequila. You exploiting a corporation is arguably worse. Think of all the poor boot makers you’ll be putting out of business by just trying on a boot in a store then going elsewhere to purchase your footwear. That 7 year old asian boy is too old to learn new skills. When they fire him because they can’t make enough money to justify keeping him employed because you are exploiting them what’s he going to do? All that will be left to him is selling his ass. That will be on your head.
When you exploit corporations you are creating child prostitutes. How could you Bootless? How could you?
-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean,
How can I make my husband the hub of my life? I think my spokes are out of balance.

PBPWMGNDWMY

Dear PBPWMGNDWMY,
First, you probably have not submitted to your husband’s every bizarre sexual whim, start with that. But then, that is the obvious answer isn’t it? You already knew that didn’t you? Uncle Sean is going to have to refer you to a higher authority (on marriage) than Uncle Sean: Darien B. Cooper. Uncle Sean strongly recommends:
You Can Be the Wife of a Happy Husband, by Darien B. Cooper as a guide to aide you in your marital struggles.
Here are some Amazon.com reviewer quotes:

Yes, it’s 2005 and a few of her 1977 attitudes (including her hairdo on the back of the book) stuck in my craw, but I know that when I asked for help, God asked me to read and consider the message IN THIS BOOK. After reading it, I feel VERY convicted to honor my husband in much healthier ways. I am intelligent enough to know what applies to me, and God has shown me that humility and submission are part of my role as a wife – and that they are appropriate. God has given me a wise husband. I can submit to him with confidence.

and

You are not to say no to him for any reason (sex or otherwise). This could emasculate him and lead him to adultery or some other ruin. Hello! We are not responsible for their choices and they is not responsible for ours.
She points out that you lose your femininity if you learn how to defend yourself. Getting a job is a no-no, even if he orders you to, which of course you must do. You must be financially and completely dependent on your husband.
The part that really did me in was about going to a place of “lewd entertainment”. You must be obedient, regardless of the humiliation. And what if he asks for a threesome? None of these extreme examples are practical and would be great ammunition for an abusive man. Abuse is never covered in this book – very irresponsible.
This book doesn’t give men enough credit and does not mention personal responsibility. Her instructions to curtail time with your family, friends and outside interests if he orders it are classic symptons of wife-battering.

and

…However, as I read each succeeding chapter, I felt a deep depression set in. First of all, this book is touted as “Biblical”, but there are literally entire paragraphs passed off as Bible quotes that are NOWHERE in the Bible, merely somebody’s (the author’s?) spurious interpretations and extrapolations. …Second, I don’t know who this supposedly Christian lady hangs around with, but it sure seems like alot of her friends’ husbands (and her own?) go to lewd nightclubs, watch dirty movies, indulge their midlife crises with motorcycles, stay out all night with no explanation, skip church and expect their wives to do the same, and other sinful behavior that wives are supposed to silently indulge without care or comment. The book is riddled with advice in dealing with such self-centered louts, and none of the advice has to do with refusing to accompany your husband into sinfulness, or refusing to even point out that his actions are sinful. Heck, you’re not even supposed to ask questions if your husband stays out all night. Maybe the reason this book advocates such silence and self-abnegation on the part of wives is because these wives are married to hopelessly childish, self-centered jerks who haven’t a prayer of becoming the godly, Christ-like men that Ephesians 5 calls THEM to be. The author gives the example of a woman who announced her decision to become submissive to her husband, who then tested her by demanding that they go to a lewd nightclub together. She swallowed her hurt and revulsion and agreed, but he came down with a violent headache and so they couldn’t go. The author describes this as a victory, but totally avoids the sad point that he still WANTED to go, though he was prevented from doing so. Who wants a husband who would even suggest such things?

Or, even better than just reading her book, you could schedule a meeting with Darien Cooper through her website.

Uncle Sean does not recommend reading this article about Darien Cooper. It is written by Atheists, they have no God and thus are immoral, child raping, alcoholics, with nothing better to do than to besmirch the name of a Christian genius like Darien Cooper.

Read Darien Cooper and you, too, can get your spokes aligned and become a happy healthy wife with a happy healthy husband. Not that it really matters if you’re happy and healthy, only your husband matters, he’s the hub of your universe, never forget that.
-Uncle Sean

Dear Uncle Sean,
Someone claiming to be my spouse came home early from work due to having a headache. I’m now feeling compelled to provide for her by taking her somewhere to dinner. How do I make these feelings go away, or, where should I take her?

The Mealtime Challenged.

Dear MC,
Uncle Sean suggests flagellation for making feelings go away. If Uncle Sean were pressed he might recommend you take you “spouse” to a cheap diner like establishment, order “her” a milkshake, then see if “she” will have “sex” with “you” as payment for milkshakey-goodness.
-Uncle Sean

Are you stumped by a problem? Confounded by an enigma? Do you yearn to be struck with Uncle Sean’s mighty Advice Mallet? Email Uncle Sean at advicemallet @ gmail . com

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