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I’ve been thinking about Star Trek’s solutions to problems lately. Kind of musing over how they managed to solve the conflict thrust upon them every week. You can boil each of the series down to their basic solution to every problem:

The Original Series: Kirk seduces a woman or bluffs.

The Next Generation: Geordi and Data figure out that if they re-route the EPS conduits through the transporter pattern buffers, disable the Heisenberg Compensators, shut down all the Plasma Conduits on Deck 9, preheat the oven to 450 degrees, and cold start the matter-antimatter reactor they can generate a phased verteron pulse with the main deflector dish and solve the problem.

Deep Space Nine: Wormhole aliens.

Voyager: RAMMING SPEED!

Enterprise: At just the right moment Al pops up with exactly the information Sam needs to set history right and leap.

My friend Sam has worked out what would happen if the characters of each of the series had to fight Superman (because he likes to ponder such things).  According to Sam:

The Original Series: Kirk and crew would lose, because Kirk would insist on fighting Superman himself.

The Next Generation: Geordi and Data figure out that if they re-route the EPS conduits through the transporter pattern buffers, disable the Heisenberg Compensators, shut down all the Plasma Conduits on Deck 9, preheat the oven to 450 degrees, and cold start the matter-antimatter reactor they can generate kryptonite radiation with the main deflector dish and kill Superman.

Deep Space Nine: The wormhole aliens would show up and it would be very confusing but Sisko and crew would win in the end.

Voyager: Janeway would yell: RAMMING SPEED! And … well … yeah Superman would win.

Enterprise: At just the right moment Al pops up with exactly the information Sam needs to set history right and leap. (Sam never watched Enterprise)

I tend to agree with those (if I didn’t would I put it up here?). Where’s this all going? I’m wondering if maybe there’s a way to start applying these solutions to real life. Everyone’s always looking for answers, ways to solve problems, what about starting up a consulting company that offers Star Trek solutions to problems? The client picks the type of solution they want (TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY, or ENT) and the consultant solves the problem using the methods laid out by the selected program.

So, to get going on this I’m going to need some start up money. I need your money too:

  1. Employ an attractive, charming man to seduce women for me.
  2. A main deflector dish and EPS conduits.
  3. A wormhole with aliens in it.
  4. Something large and heavy to ram into stuff.
  5. A time machine and Dean Stockwell.

So, send me your credit card information.

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One Comment

  1. bwahahahaha.

    seriously. bwahahaha.


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